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Large & lovely black women are some of the most comfortable in their skin people you will ever meet. It’s as if they have completely blocked out the westernized views of what beauty is and have created a demographic unaffected by mainstream popularity. As someone who enjoys eating, they make great food partners. I can’t stand eating with someone and they’re eating like a rabbit knowing as soon as we leave they’re getting a Dave’s double on that car ride home. Meanwhile, your salad compared to my 16 oz steak and tater making me look super greedy. This got me thinking about our comfort levels in our own skin. It got me thinking about my own comfort level. As a big black male, there is this stereotype about us. As I sit back and reflect, I must admit, it took me a long time to say I’m comfortable in my own skin. With that, I can’t say I’m even 100% comfortable in my own skin. Is it possible to be 100% comfortable? Then again, I look at some people and think, you shouldn’t be comfortable in your skin. It’s a weird and uncomfortable topic because it exposes us. It puts our insecurities, our flaws, and weaknesses in the spotlight.
A break-up can truly expose our comfort levels within ourselves. When me and my ex broke up, I was 380 lbs. Fat. Very fat. Like out of breath and ass out when getting out the car fat. Health was to shit. Financial situation was terrible. Credit score looked like a baseball batting average. Part of the pain of the break-up was fear of not being able to find anyone else. What woman would want a man with breasts dwarfing hers? My lack of comfort in myself was one of the main issues that allowed this toxic relationship to last as long as it did. I was vulnerable. The interesting point of this time of my life, it was my moment of clarity. Once the pain and realization that the woman I was with was toxic, my life drastically changed. I remember sitting in the car eating a $15 meal from Arby’s and saying to myself, “Tim what are you doing with your life, you don’t even like Arby’s”. For so many years, I was lying to myself. I wasn’t happy with who I was. I wasn’t happy with my status in life. I didn’t like myself physically, emotionally, or mentally. There isn’t a more powerful mirage of comfort than that of a relationship. When they end, the mirror of our self is showed in 1080p HD clarity.
You ever met an asshole? Of course you have. I’m talking about an all-around grade A asshole. The type of person who steals your lunch at work and goes with you to HR to file a complaint. The type of person to use your Netflix account and change all the settings. For some reason, it seems these types of people are the most comfortable in their skin. They exude confidence in life. They will eat all the pepperoni off the pizza, blame the delivery guy, all while smiling and happy. Am I wrong for thinking, ‘damn I wish you would change who you are’. If you ever say it, you will get that self-help book, “be who you are and love yourself”. No, you really shouldn’t love yourself. You’re a liar, a thief, an abuser, etc. You should feel terrible about yourself and change. Change to what though? This is who they are. This is their makeup. If they change, they run the risk of ‘not being themselves’. Well hell, people like that need to be fake. Everybody can’t be ‘real’ if being real is true detriment to others.
Let’s get a little spicy though. It’s a lot of people who live in the gray. They aren’t terrible people but their comfort in their own skin is a little dicey. You know the type. Their comfort rejects any change, any criticism. One can be comfortable with themselves while acknowledging change can be beneficial. For example, you have the overweight person. You can be big and beautiful, skinny and beautiful, and everything in between. We all know that big joint whose HEALTH is to shits but will reject any help because they believe, “I’m big and beautiful”. You just might be. You also are likely going to be big and dead. Big and footless. It’s almost as if some people have worked so hard to put up a shield that any type of constructive criticism is translated into, ‘hating’. I saw a Facebook post, a lady said, ‘my trainer wanna work me hard cause she jealous she ain’t got titties and ass like me’. I was floored! I’m thinking to myself, this girl is a reckless thanksgiving holiday away from my 600lb life. Her comfort in her skin is likely going to be her downfall in life.
I absolutely hate when people say, “that’s a white person voice”. What the hell does that mean? Now with that said, we all have our regular voice, and then the, ‘I’m talking to someone important or I’m in an interview voice’. So, I know this lady, won’t name names but my friends and family know who she is. She has this voice when she is talking to certain people that almost sounds cartoonish fake. I would think, ‘are you trying to be funny here’. I wish I could record her one day and play it back. It is that extreme. Now I understand, everyone can’t master verbal linguistics and the use of slang isn’t always appropriate. The thing with her is she is very educated, and her natural voice is quite fine. Why does she feel she needs to alter her voice like this? Why would a college educated, and above average communicator need to do this? I’m going to be honest. Many of us as black folks feel we must sound or look a certain way to quell any fears or anxieties of those that are not our color. I remember my parents always telling me being a big black male, you must move cautiously in life. Can’t be too loud. Can’t be argumentative in public. Don’t move to fast. It’s crazy because I think on it, I don’t think it’s possible for me to be 100% comfortable in the world today. I can say I don’t care about this or that but most of the time it’s a lie. We care. The limits of us caring may vary but we all care to a certain point about how we look to others. For some of us, our lives our drastically affected by how we are perceived by others. Living without a concern of how others view us is a luxury most of us cannot afford.
I’m 35 and for the first time in a long time, I can say I’m truly comfortable with who I am. Great career, great wife, have lost nearly 100lbs. I’m in a good place. With that said, I’m still not 100% comfortable with who I am. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get there. I still get out of the car and grab my shirt so my ass crack isn’t out. Still a little apprehensive about going shirtless at the pool. Hell, I still get nervous every time I post these blogs. I think more than physical comfort; my emotional and mental comfort is what concerns me the most. I still periodically doubt myself. Life presents a natural anxiety that has me questioning myself daily. I wonder if the concerns are even worthy. We all are in the gray with broken sunglasses, so can anyone truly see the real me anyway?